Where I’m based in Sydney, we’ve been in our longest COVID-19 lockdown yet. Those with school aged children have survived a whole term plus of remote learning, and after 114 days in lockdown, our children will soon start to return to school. Many of us will have mixed feelings about the return. Perhaps relief that home schooling is finally coming to an end, hopeful that work, academic and social paths will be back on course for ourselves and our children. But perhaps also guilt – for not doing home schooling well enough, or for no longer having them “safe at home”? We may even come to miss the moments of closeness, or the slower pace, of taking our time. Whatever our feelings, our kids are probably having mixed feelings too. Some will be overjoyed with the idea of seeing their friends, but many may have some degree of reluctance or hesitance, which is completely understandable. Many kids might settle back quickly, but some, particularly those who might have struggled with separation in the past, might find this a difficult time.
Through all my time working with children, and my own parenting, I’ve put together some ideas for you. You might like to try one or two to see if they are a good fit for you and your child.
- Help them to know (or remember) what to expect
If we can do this when they are calm and relaxed, they can absorb the information and make a mental picture and plan of what it will look like. If returning after an extended time away, it might be helpful to do a dry run in the week or weekend prior to returning- walk or drive past school or day care, talk about which gate you might do drop off or pick up at. Remind your child of your goodbye routine eg. “so we will say goodbye at the green gate, and do 3 hugs, then you will go to Miss Sarah in the classroom and start your school day”. Or “When I leave, we will do our special hand shake. Jenny will be there with you and bring you to the front window for a wave.” Sometimes even a photo book or social story for small children can help – you can include step by step instructions to the morning routine, pictures of your family, the classroom, where your child puts their bag etc.
- Have a safe person to hand over to
We need our children to know that we trust in their caregiver to manage their physical and emotional safety. If it’s a nanny, an educator, family member or school teacher – use what you know about them, their name, how they are with your child to help create a sense of safety. “Remember Mandy said she was getting a new puppy- maybe you could tell her about the dog we saw this morning.” Let the caregiver know about your plan and their part in it so they can be available but also to give you the space you need. If you’re not able to make these arrangements or guarantee their teacher is available, you might like to meet up at the gate with a friend your child will feel safe with for them to enter together.
- Have a way to stay connected during the day
There are lots of sweet ways you can help your child to stay connected to you. “The Invisible String” book by Patrice Karst is a lovely book for bedtime and for understanding how we can stay connected, even though we are far apart. It is based on the idea that our hearts are connected by and invisible string and we can send love through this string to people we care about, near and far. Some children respond better so a physical reminder- these might be matching friendship bands, a special rock you have both chosen, a particular keychain on their bag from a special holiday or with a photo of you, even just one of your hair ties might do the trick! It doesn’t need to be too expensive (or too precious – the easier to replace/ replicate the better!). In our house we have used matching friendship bracelets – we swap these over in the drive to school and fill them with hugs and kisses before swapping them back. This gives us something to refer to -“remember we’ve got our special bands!” and something for them to “do” if they miss you during the day – “if you’re sad about daddy you can reach your special rock in your pocket ”.
- Work out a “goodbye ritual”
It might be a secret hand shake, some personal sign language, a little phrase you say to each other (eg I love you stinky face). This is something portable that you can take with you whenever you might be faced with a good bye. You might have a couple of different “goodbyes” that your child can choose from – eg, “Do you want to do our unicorn goodbye or our fish face goodbye?” Choices help children to experience control in a moment where they feel they have no say. Another idea would be to have a nice long hug, and count down before you release. You could even get your child to choose the number you count down from (eg. Pick a number between 1 and 10 for our countdown!). This also gives those around you a clear idea about how long you want to embrace for before they might move in closer to help with the transition.
- Practice on a small separation first
If there is an “easier” separation to trial out your new ideas, try it first so you can have a “success”. If your child is pretty fine when you leave for a morning walk, this might be a relaxed time to try a goodbye ritual, or see how their “daddy rock” works. The more we can enable children to have small “wins” the more likely they will experience success with the bigger obstacles.
- Connect over a story
Empathy is key for connection and a feeling of safety. “I remember when I was little and I found it hard to say goodbye to my mummy! Grandma tells me that I used to be sad sometimes, but that imagining our invisible string helped me feel brave when I said goodbye. What do you think would help you?” Again you might choose to do this at a relaxed, connected time to help set the path, and then refer to it again during a a separation.
- Talk about the future
Separation is a transition – from time spent with you, to time being separate. Especially with all the time we have spent together over the past few months, the idea of being apart may feel quite foreign. Children live so much in the present, it can be hard for them to imagine something different from the here and now. When we paint a picture about what will happen in the future, we help them to imagine a “future state”. Making things concrete like “when we say good bye you will go and hang up your bag” helps them to know what comes next and “what song shall we listen to in the car on our way home” helps them to imagine that they got through their time without you, and are back in together time.
Good luck! Remember the goal is not “not tears” but it’s about helping your child have the confidence they will be ok, and that you will be back together again soon. Sometimes things might improve for a while, and have another set down the track, so it’s nice to return to a familiar ritual if this is the case. If separations continue to be difficult, feel welcome to reach out for a discussion on how to help your child manage transitions successfully at this challenging time.