Sometimes we can find ourselves stuck in the spiral of “nos”. Having playful alternative can help us maintain connection and boundaries with our kiddos. I call this the “deferred yes”.
So recently I watched a movie Netflix called “Yes Day” based on a children’s book by Amy Krouse Rosenthal. The idea is that the parents have say “yes” to everything their kids suggest for 24 hours! In the movie, chaos and hilarity follow. The power of the movie and book suggests that saying “Yes” allows the family to have some fun and experience greater closeness when they’re not held back by all the “nos” that come in day to day life! Sounds like fun (and a bit of a risk!) right? I personally felt pretty unnerved by the whole car wash with the window down scene…!
So, I’m not saying “never say no” to your children – our children need boundaries, and there are definitely short sharp “no’s” required at times, but at other times, it’s really a matter of a poorly timed idea that is otherwise not too bad. I have found that my kids are often really put off by a direct “no” and this can often lead to a sense of disconnection, and big upset-ness from them. I’ve found sometimes when I do the “deferred yes” we manage these boundaries in a less confronting way.
Kiddo has a request that you want to say no to eg. 5 minutes to dinner time wants a cookie
How we want to respond: “No way! Then you won’t eat your dinner”
What happens next? Crying, screams of how unfair we are, us feeling bad, feeling cranky at them, etc.
How we could respond instead:
1. Meet the idea with enthusiasm and empathy (this lets our kiddos know we hear them/ see them). – “Wow! I’ve been feeling like a cookie too!” – This helps them to feel heard, listened to and in connection with us
2. Bring in the deferred yes (Rather than the no). “yes- how about we put the cookies out on a plate for after dinner”.
3. Move it into action – “Can you help grab a plate for the cookies?”
4. Follow through – after dinner – “Hey! now we get to have those cookies for dessert! I’m so glad we waited they are delicious, what a great idea you had!”
A couple more examples…
Request Kiddo wants to jump in puddles on the way to school
Meet the idea “All those puddles look like so much fun!”
Deferred Yes “Those puddles would make your shoes soggy – how about I bring your gumboots to pickup?”
Action “I’m going to set a reminder in my phone so I remember”
Follow Through At pick up- “I’ve got your gumboots if you still want to jump in those puddles!”
Request Midweek kiddo wants to sleep out in the lounge room
Meet the idea “Oh wow! Can you imagine waking up here when your toys are right there?”
Deferred Yes. “We can’t do that on a school night but let’s make a plan to do that – do you think Friday night or save it for the holidays?”
Action “Let’s write the camp out idea on our wish list for the school holidays”
Follow through: Make sure you remember to have the camp out in the lounge room!
As always, start with smaller things that you’re more likely to have success with. It’s also a good idea to start with something that is not such a long time to wait.
It doesn’t mean we will avoid all conflict, but it can help us manage it in a way that helps our children to be heard, and for us to still maintain a boundary.
